*interfacing
*gloves for bike/sock
*bike
*check old apt.
*work

i've wounded my shoudler. i'm pretty depressed as i can't do anything but lay about and internet/read

i feel so worn out. so worn out. brian. he's getting me down. i don't know why i deal with him. i just blew lots of money on his birthday. and yet i am still the stupid cunt. i feel so frustrated. i quit drinking. i am not tempted to drink because it makes me feel so bad. but i miss the feeling of not feeling. i hate it so much. i hate this all encompassing feeling of being alone. it is too much to bear. this morning i thought about how i was bored with brian. of course tonight he pulled out all his tricks and now i feel like shit and he's passed out in my bed and i want him gone gone gone. he won't wake up and leave. school problems. life problems. it is all far too much for me to handle. i wonder if my life will ever be ok. i don't think it will. i quit drinking i am getting fat. i have no energy. to do anything i want to do. i work too much.. make too little money.
i have no idea if i can finish school i want to leave here but i cannot

just got out of roller derby practice. i feel really good. i can't wait to wake up tomorrow and get some exercise. i did very good eating today too. 2 carrots, 1 cashew, and 4 okara burgers!

i feel so angsty. i fucking hate men. i hate dealing with them. i hate that they are inherently in power.

i haven't posted in a long time. i managed to get away from the creep of a boyfriend. i'm doing mostly well. today i kinda just had a crappy all around day. it wasn't bad i was just in a crummy, boring mood.

i hate this! i am in an abusive relationship. i am also a progressive feminist. i'm not sure how i got into this mess. but i sure know that it's going to take alot to get out of it.

my car which was the most illegal car in all of  new england. is now legal. hurrah! and it was legalized via friends who have inspection stickers. i feel full of good cheer.
<img src="http://blog.hemmings.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/10/artcaratburningman_resized.jpg">

i feel so let down
i run around in circles for someone that i love
and i have no rewards
i am foolish
chasing the ghost of my father

i watched the debates last night. played a drinkining game along, maverick, cutsey sayings, word fumbles, alaska. watched pundits afterwards chilled out not drinking. as i left i realize i have a flat. change that shit in the utter most dark scrapping my knuckles off in the process. then, i go to my fuck buddy's house. on the way i get pulled over for no inspection. get 4 fucking field sobriety tests, then get left go with a warning. then i fuck for 3 hours.

i just binged. i felt like i was moving in a dream like state. it stemmed from feeling tired, confused, unsure of what to do until 1 when i had plans. i went to the bank, deposited my money and withdrew a meger 20 dollars. i walked to the local coffee shop from there and ran into a friend.  she always seems so ackward around me. i looked around, there wasn't anyone immediately behind the counter.... i left with out a coffee. i thought about getting a coffee then going to the gym... i went to target and then tj maxx tried on clothes. frustrated i didn't have the money to buy them. frustrated by the apperance of my skin (bacne! yeah!). i went to the grocy store to find something to eat. i stared in produce picked up mushrooms. placed them down. looked at the bulk nuts, walked away. looked at the hummos. i decided upon a single serve packet of guacomole and a loaf of bread. i went to the self checkout and didn't have enough money for it all (i need 15 dollars to buy gas for this week). i rang the gauc correctly but rang in the bread as bananas. as i paid i felt painicky  my face flushed... i walked out of the store burning with embarrasement of what i was about to eat and shame for stealing. i settled into my car and started to eat the crust of the bottom of the bread, it is deliciously crunchy. i squeezed the quac out on to the bread. the gaucomole tasted old and full of vinegar. it wasn't good but i ate the whole packet. disgusted with myself i shove the empty packet into the shopping bag along with the top of the loaf of bread. this whole mess is pushed underneath the driver's seat to be thrown out later at a gas station.

i wonder if i am addicted to sex. i wonder if i too much motivated by sexual encounters.

welcome to my live journal. this was created as an outlet for my secret perversions and desires. things that i cannot share with people i know for fear of judgement. i live in a small town. i once lived in a city, i felt so liberated living amongst such diversity, but for now this is the one place where i can explore the side of myself  that feels most real.